You know that look. That there’s-no-way-in-fuck-I’m-going-to-be-seen-in-public-with-you look. We’ve all seen it and we’ve all thrown our arms out, put on our most endearing shit-eating smirk on and responded with “come-aahhhhhn.” More often than not the look persists, we drop our head in shame and waddle back into the closet with our tail between our legs to change into something more…palatable.
I’m certainly not faulting women. We are their sweet arm candy and they want us looking our most GQ, but sometimes a guy has got to express himself and dress like an asshole. It can’t be explained. It’s in our DNA. Here are some of the most common offenses that drive women crazy.
1 | Socks with Sandals
What’s better than coupling the comfort and warmth of a nice wool sock with the convenience of you favorite pair of Tevas? Well…lot’s of stuff. But sometimes socks with sandals is the combination of champions (and old ass men who don’t give a fuck), so don’t be ashamed to look like you literally woke up 3 minutes ago and are only leaving the house to pick up the paper, because you probably did. (image: r. nial bradshaw)
2 | Basketball Jersey
I’ll never understand this one. There are millions of occasions that warrant, even demand a good throwback jersey that aren’t playing basketball (pool parties, beach days, any time ever). But despite the appropriateness of the outfit given it’s lack of sleeves, breathability and through-the-roof cool factor, women can’t seem to approve. Keep fighting the good fight though. I’d even suggest a yearly Secret Santa Jersey Exchange (as my friends and I do. See picture). It’s a good way to flesh out your collection that also creates an excuse to wear jerseys in public at all times of the year.
3 | Hawaiian Shirt
There’s no better way to look like an asshole than to wear a Hawaiian shirt when you’re anywhere other than Hawaii. My friend Adam (seen here) gives solid proof to this notion. Women hate this look in principal, but appear to accept it as a novelty. As Adam again shows us, all you need to attract women is a nice pair of khakis to set off the masculine glow of bright blue palm fronds.
4 | Canadian Tuxedo
If this is what they’re all wearing in Canada I should’ve moved there long ago. If you ask a woman what the polar opposite of an actual tuxedo is, it would without a doubt be the Canadian tuxedo. I’m guessing I’m not alone when I say I’ll bask in any opportunity to dress like a cowboy, and have no shame about posing for all dude look-into-the-sunset photo shoots while I’m doing it.
5 | Vest. No Shirt
There’s something about wearing a vest with no shirt that makes you look like you smell bad. Maybe it’s the accurate assumption that you’ve been fist pumping and rubbing sweaty shoulders with your brah friends while Pitbull’s sweet beats are blasting into the sunset. No one ever walks out the door looking like this, but it will inevitable happen to someone at your wedding, and it’s important for all parties to just go with it. And yes, that is Joey Lawrence. (image: sanoiiandsix)
6 | Cut-off Jorts
Nothing sets off the pasty, pubic hair covered upper thighs of a man like a pair of cut-off jean shorts (jorts). As Dennis Reynolds so aptly put it: “I’m getting a high ride, but the shorts aren’t preventing me from doing what I need to do.” Bonus points if you have the pockets turtle-heading out the bottom.
7 | This
An embarrassing, yet victorious game of “who wore it best.” I thought I would look better in my friends’ wife’s leather jacket. And I was right.